黄西:任何事情十全十美,我就没饭吃了.

风清扬斈 5年前 (2013-12-07) 网络资料 16499 0

黄西:任何事情十全十美,我就没饭吃了

好不容易在美国立足脚跟,脱口秀演员黄西还是决定回国:这里有更多的机会,事事都在往上,尽管有很多人抱怨。但他也有担心:空气质量和食品安全让他觉得对儿子过意不去。 (东方IC/图)

在美国,一般都认为中国人比较擅长数学。回国我才知道,原来中国人最擅长化学。当年我考中科院的研究生,有机化学考了满分。可即使这样,我也不知道三聚氰胺是个什么东西,是回国以后才听说的。

——黄西

“在美国,一般都认为中国人比较擅长数学。回国我才知道,原来中国人最擅长化学。”

黄西感叹:当年他考中科院的研究生,有机化学考了满分100,“即使这样,我也不知道三聚氰胺是个什么东西。”

18年过去,华裔脱口秀笑星黄西成了美国人,却想重新回到中国。

事情起源于2011年底,黄西在国内出了自传《黄瓜的黄,西瓜的西》,在七八个城市做了讲座。多年未见的中国让他想到了文艺复兴——“很多事情都在往上上,尽管大部分人都在抱怨。”于是,他回中国的次数越来越多。

2013年3月,央视找到他:你来做主持人怎么样?此时他刚刚在过去的春节里,分别出现在中国的两台电视节目中,北京卫视的《环球春晚》和央视财经频道的《中国夜》,还是做脱口秀。

重新回中国的决定已经做出,这个全美最受欢迎的华裔脱口秀笑星还是惶恐,他要面对一个熟悉而陌生的世界:空气污染、食品安全……

如今黄西在央视财经频道主持一档节目,叫《是真的吗》,专门针对与生活相关的“网络流言”:茶饮料里不含茶叶,是真的吗?柚子皮可以吸附甲醛,是真的吗?……

霸王龙的肉吃起来像鸡肉,是真的吗?黄西的解释是:“我觉得恐龙的肉吃起来会比鸡肉更好吃,所以我们已经把恐龙吃得光剩骨头了。”

每期节目以黄西一段五分钟的脱口秀开场,之间也靠他的小段子穿插过渡。他用东北口音的普通话,讲着美式逻辑的段子。“我相信房价一定会降得惨不忍睹。我说的是底特律。”“我想成为一个大器晚成的富二代。我在玩儿命地让我爸爸努力工作。”像这样做电视主持人的机会,在美国不多。

笑点这件事

南方周末:抱怨意味着脱口秀有很大的市场吗?

黄西:对对,如果任何事情都十全十美,我可能就没饭吃了。其实人抱怨的本性都一样,美国人也在抱怨,除了一些比较落后的地方,尤其是支持布什的那些州。他们是比较保守的基督教教派,什么都交给上帝,觉得这都是上帝照顾好的。

南方周末:这么多年在美国积累的人气放弃掉,会不会很可惜,尤其是对黄皮肤的人来说?

黄西:美国比较知名的有色人种脱口秀演员,除了我还有一个印度裔的。但他出生在加拿大,英语是母语。美国做得好的,母语不是英语的几乎没有。除了我,国内再没有第二个人到美国以后做脱口秀,所以我有时候确实感觉很孤独。

2002年,我第一次接触脱口秀。当时我已经在美国待了八年,英文也确实不错,可是脱口秀我只能听懂一半左右。幽默这种东西很难通过另外一种语言表现,文化背景你要很明白才行。很多华人在美国生活了二十年都很少去看脱口秀表演。

这也是为什么我一开始做脱口秀表演很难。收入?那时候根本没有收入,你免费讲,人家老板都不愿意接受,怕你砸俱乐部的牌子。后来做得逐渐好了,2010年我辞了那份生物化学研究的工作,专心做脱口秀的演员。到2012年8月,我才开始用中文,给华人讲。现在正是做得比较好的时候,所以的确有些可惜。还好已经和太太商量过了,她同意回国。太多的事情还没有考虑到,美国的房子怎么卖?小孩在中国怎么上学?我在中国怎么安排现场演出?等等。

南方周末:今年春节期间你给我留下印象比较深的段子是两个:一个是说方舟子的,一个是说你在国外“为国争光”,想创造个极限骑马纪录,结果刚上去就被甩下来了,立刻一个鞠躬,“撒哟娜拉”。你在中国讲脱口秀,主要题材是哪些?

黄西:名人的段子是两国人都喜欢的。比如说那个方舟子的段子,还有我前几天在北师大讲的关于李咏、潘长江的段子。一般人以为美国人最喜欢政治段子,其实大部分美国人去俱乐部不是看政治段子,百分之八九十都是性笑话,荤段子,那些笑话笑完以后回家就算了。但这些段子上不了电视。后一个段子有点民族主义的意思,在美国的华人区里面也是反应特别强烈。我在中国主要想讲两块,一块是我多年前在中国什么样,现在什么样;一块是我这十几年在美国的所见所闻。这个分两方面,一块是美国人怎么看中国的,另一块是中国人在美国的境遇或者他们的生存状态。

南方周末:美国观众和中国观众的笑点有哪些不同?

黄西:美国人一看到我,就觉得我会把事情搞砸,觉得我比较无辜,甚至会不会说英语都不知道。平时我跟别人讲,说“我也做脱口秀”,这一句话他们就笑了,觉得根本不可能的事。结果我一开口,说的还是比较正宗的英语脱口秀,他们就有一点惊喜的感觉在里面。

到了中国不这样了。我觉得中国观众比较习惯看那种表达能力特别强、特别有自信的演员。一看到我,就是个“搞理工的”。这样,我在中美两边都比较尴尬。

国内的单口相声基本都是给观众讲一个虚构的故事,铺垫得长一点,把笑点包在里面。美国人性格比较直接,觉得你应该把那些没有用的故事情节抛开,光是把好笑的东西拿出来就行了。美国人喜欢冷段子,逻辑搞笑的东西,像这个:“大家结婚之前非常害怕,有50%的婚姻都会永远地持续下去。”跟你讲这个段子,你可能一点反应都没有,但是在美国反应是非常强烈的。

户籍制度还在啊

南方周末:你在美国待了18年,怎么看待中国这18年和现在?

黄西:有一句俗话,“出了国都是爱国者”,其实有点道理。在国内大家都在损中国,说这个不好,那个不好,但是出去如果听其他人说一点中国的坏话,心里特别不舒服。

我刚去的时候觉得非常不适应,非常痛苦。有时候实验室的人开玩笑不太注意,我就跟他们闹别扭。慢慢地才感受到:好像美国人遇到困难和我的反应也差不了太多?这样才有一点自信。

这个痛苦我想主要是文化的原因。不光是整天自己在实验室做就行了,你交朋友、被大家认可的程度等等,对人的自信心和存在感是很重要的。我这次准备回中国,有很多美国的华人也不是很高兴。他们觉得我应该在美国发展,这样美国的华裔也有一个声音。

现在想起来,其实有时候也是过于敏感。欧美人以前对中国的偏见是挺强的,就觉得中国是特别落后、贫困的地方,能够来美国都是特别幸运的,觉得中国人穷,怕跟你沾上了,怕你管他们借钱,怕你求他们办事。到1990年代末起美国的各大赌场就开始有会讲汉语的经理了,现在美国人觉得中国是特别有钱的,百货商店里都贴着中文的提示。当年我到美国的时候,觉得美国人工作效率比中国人高多了;现在这种感觉倒了过来。

南方周末:搬回中国来发展,有什么让你担心的吗?

黄西:有啊,比如北京的空气污染。我这辈子就这样了,可我儿子年纪还小。要让他呼吸这么多恶劣的空气,我有点过意不去。这是实话。

我在美国听都没听说过PM2.5,到中国以后才听说,当然美国可能也有人在测。我确认我这样绝对是美国人中的正常情况!你去问任何一个美国人,他都不知道。这个东西在美国社会完全不重要。可你去问任何一个北京人,没有不知道的。

回中国让我担心的除了空气质量,还有食品安全。在美国,一般都认为中国人比较擅长数学。回国我才知道,原来中国人最擅长化学。当年我考中科院的研究生,有机化学考了满分100,这个不是吹的。可即使这样,我也不知道三聚氰胺是个什么东西,是回国以后才听说的。

南方周末:除了空气污染、食品安全,回国还有哪些事情让你比较吃惊?

黄西:很多。有些是我出国前就有的,比如户籍制度。我有一点儿吃惊:它居然还在!也有些是我出国前没接触过的,比如中国的招聘广告,居然敢写“要求年龄30岁以下”,有些还要求附本人照片,这在美国都是不可想象的。美国人最忌讳歧视,招聘广告绝对不可以写对年龄的要求,怕雇主歧视年龄;也绝不允许要应聘者的照片,怕歧视长相。尽管最后决定时可能因为年龄原因拒绝掉你。有一点虚伪的意思。

南方周末:那你在美国讲脱口秀,是不是要很注意避免触碰美国的这些忌讳?

黄西:是啊。比如肥胖、智力有问题、妇女,这些都最好不讲,讲了之后会有麻烦。文化不一样,在中国接受的东西可能在美国接受不了。但我调侃奥巴马的肤色可以,因为我自己也是有色人种。

南方周末:那你在中国的这些惊讶,可以拿回美国的脱口秀俱乐部里讲吗?

黄西:这个比较难。因为美国人对这些东西知道得很少,喜剧需要产生共鸣才有效果。比如户籍制度,我跟美国人说,美国人根本理解不了。

Good evening everyone my name is JoeWong.  But to most people I am known as WHO? 
Which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.  But joking aside I just want to reassure everyone I am invited here to tonight.  I grew up in china, who didn’t?  But my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.  When I was in elementary school as part of the curriculum I had to work in a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.   
My dad was a grumpy guy who occasionally tried to cheer me up with jokes but he doesn’t do it right.  When I was seven one day he said to me,“hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?”  So five minutes later I said, ‘why?’  He said, “Because I said so!”  I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at RICE university Texas, that wasn’t a joke until now…  I was driving a used car with a lot of bumper stickers which was impossible to peel off.  One of them said- if you don’t speak English, go home!  And uh I didn’t notice for two years.  Like many other immigrants we want our son to become the president of the this country, and uh we try to make him bi lingual-  you know , Chinese at home and English in public which is really tough to do because many times I had to say to him in public, “hey listen if you don’t speak English, go home!” 
And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?”  I said,’ son, once you become president of the United States you have to sign legislative bills in English and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”   When I graduated from RICE I decided to stay in the United States because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here…be ethnic!
 And in order for me to become a US citizen I had to take this American history lessons where they ask us questions like- who is Benjamin franklin? Were like ahhh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed. What’s the second amendment?  Ahhh…the reason our convenience store gets robbed. 
What is ROE vs. WADE?  Ahhh …two ways of coming to the United States?  Later on I read so much about American history I started to harbor, ‘white guilt”…that is in America They say,” All men are created equal”, but after birth it kind of depends on the parents income for early education and healthcare.  I read in , Mens Health Magazine,  that president Obama every week has two cardio days and four weightlifting days. 
You see I don’t have to excursive because I have health insurance.  公司年会公司年会流程公司年会开场白公司年会主持词公司年会策划方...公司年会游戏
I look at Massatuchets now where we have universal health care..then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed messages..I think there was a movie about him that’s called- kill bills!  I am  honored to ahh meet ah vice president JoeBiden here  tonight…ahmm I actually read your autobiography and today I see you…I think the book is much better. They should have cast brad Pitt or even anjo; linaJolie  So ahh you guys I am really honored to be here tonight and ah I prepared for months for tonight’s show and ah I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama and that is when he decided not to come.  
And he started to talk about immigration reforms..take that Stephen Colbert!   And ah President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but ah he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize and he accepted it! …you can’t be more bad ass than that! Well actually I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military…  We have many distinguishedjournalists here tonight whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for the campus newspaper…I think journalism is the last refuge for puns…only in a newspaper can you say things like I was born in the year of the horse and that is why I am a ? 
And ah tonight is my first time here on c-span which is a channel I obviously always watch when I can’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.  If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching c-span there’s a c-span 2 and c-span3!  So I became a US citizen in 2008… which I am really happy about.  Thank you very much.  America is number 1, that’s true because um we won the WORLD SERIES ever year.  After becoming a US citizen and ah I immediately registered to vote for OBAMA and BIDEN.. Your welcome!  You had me at,”yes we can!”  That was their slogan. 
So ah after getting OBAMA and BIDEN elected I felt this power trip and ah I started to think maybe I should run for president myself, well I have to take a step back and explain a little bit, you know cuz ah I have always been a morose and pessimistic guy, I felt that ah life is kind of like peeing into the snow on a dark winter night..I probably made a difference but it was hard to tell!  But now we have a president who is half black and half white and it gives me a lot of hope because I am, half not black and half not white two negatives make a positive,  you may be saying,”hey what would be your campaign slogan?”  You see I spent ten years in the past decade ..oh you too? Okay.  I understand the American people are suffering so my campaign slogan will be,” WHO CARES?”  If elected I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required…that will get me the youth vote. 
You see I am married now but I used to be very scared about marriage, I was like, and “Wow 50 % of all marriages end up lasting forever!  And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force so two people will have to do the work of one. Just like the president and vice president Or the Olsen twins!   Aside from Heart disease and cancer most Americans die of natural causes so if elected president I will find a cure for natural causes.  
You seem to like that one…but it won’t be covered by health insurance though, because of preexisting conditions.  And ah I have a quick solution to global warming …I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius …it was 100 degrees now it is forty.  You’re very welcome  And uh I am great with foreign policy because I am from china and I can see Russia from my backyard. I believe unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow so if elected I will go with TEXT messaging, I will text our allies just to say hi.  And text our enemies…when they are driving.  OMG your building a nuclear weapon?  …But you’re doing it wrong LOL…  I just wanted to thank radio and TV correspondents’ dinner for having me here tonight.  This is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.

" headwind

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